How to Lose Every Sale!!!

Hello. Are you fed up with those annoying people we call customers? Are you upset that they interfere with your gym training, web surfing and gossip? Well, today I’m here to help. I’m going to give you a simple technique to LOSE every sale. That’s right! Lose every sale! No longer will you be burdened by customers. You know the ones who pay the bills and your salary and expect value and great service? The ones who have at least ten other companies calling on them selling the EXACT same services? So, let’s get to it!

You may have heard at some sales training course or leadership seminar that you need to first build rapport or make the client feel comfortable before you talk business. Well, let me tell you right now. That’s nonsense. Don’t bother with small talk or getting to know the person, just get down to business. If they don’t feel loved, too bad, let them call their mother! What are you, a therapist?

You may have also heard that you should have a clear agenda for every meeting. Why? What am I, the President of the United States? Just go to every meeting, and wing it. No preparation whatsoever. If your client finds this annoying, again, let him call his mother for some hugs, or go to another company. We’re not running a love clinic.

Next, you may feel you have to ask questions and learn about the client before making any recommendations or offering any products or services! Really? Why? How are you going to make your target or bonus if you LISTEN to your clients? At all times, make sure you talk about 10 – 20 different topics, especially ones that have no relevance to your client. If you have 30 products and services, talk about all of them! One by one in detail with lots of PowerPoint slides and Excel spreadsheets and handouts. Overloading your clients is what it’s all about. That shows how smart you are and how big your company is. NEVER ask questions. It is a sign of weakness! If you were on trial for murder, would you want your lawyer to ask questions? Of course not! You just want him to go in, speak loud and often and irritate the jurors so much they will probably find you not guilty. Probably!

Another thing I find a waste of time is talking to your clients about the price of your products and services, and whether or not they can afford them or are willing to pay for them! Who cares? If they don’t want to pay your fees, screw them. Let them go. It means they are stupid and clearly do not understand the value. I hate these time wasters. Just ram the products and services down their throats until they are suffocating and beg for your services

Sometimes these losers will even tell you that they need to speak to their lawyer, accountant or spouse before making a decision. You know what, who cares. Don’t, under any circumstances, agree to see these people. It will just take you away from surfing the web, checking the football results, or complaining about how tough your life is and how you wish you made more money and how the market is so tough, and it’s all your managers’ fault! And just think, with no clients, you can spend more time in MEETINGS! That’s right! Hours upon hours in meetings! What fun!

And finally, if they are stupid enough to still want to buy whatever it is you’re selling, under no circumstances talk to the client after they sign the contract. Delegate that to the most junior person you can find so you don’t waste precious resources! If you do talk to them after they sign the contract, all they will do is probably complain anyway. And guess what? That takes you away from surfing the web, complaining, gossiping, learning, developing, growing, helping, upselling, and generally growing as a sales person!

So in conclusion, remember, it’s not about the client it’s about you, and your bonus, and your share options, and your ability to have 3 hour lunches with your colleagues, and surfing the web for your favorite chicken recipe on the Gordon Ramsay website. Never, ever put yourself in the shoes of your clients. You’re not a toy manufacturer or garment producer, you’re a PRIVATE BANKER! And PRIVATE BANKERS don’t have time for such trivial matters!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m decanting a 1997 Brunello!


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